Family Tymes
444 Ellicott St.
Batavia, NY 14020





By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


In a phone session with Gerald, one of my clients, he
expressed to me that he was feeling very sad about his son,
Luc. Luc, 29 years old, was not doing much with his life,
and Gerald was berating himself for how he had parented Luc.

"I should have spent more time with him. I should have
motivated him more. I should have been a better role model.
I should have been more firm with him." On and on he went,
judging himself for how he had been as a parent.

"Gerald," I said, "Luc is on his own soul's journey. Even if
you had been a perfect parent and none of us really knows
what that means Luc might still be having the challenges
he is having."

"Really? Wow! That makes me feel much better! I never
thought of it that way. Tell me more about what you mean by
his own soul's journey."

"I mean that each of us comes here to learn certain soul
lessons. Regardless of how good or bad your parenting was,
Luc is on his own journey, making his own choices. You can
take responsibility for how you were as a parent, but you
cannot take responsibility for the choices he is making for
his life."

"But I keep feeling that if I had been a better parent, he
would not be struggling the way he is."

"Maybe and maybe not. You have no way of knowing this. Your
self-judgment is your attempt to have control over something
you have no control over Luc's choices. You are trying to
avoid your feelings of helplessness regarding Luc. But you
are helpless over him. You cannot make him be different. 

"Each child is different and each child will respond
differently to our parenting. We do the best we can for our
children. Most parents want the very best for their children
and feel deep pain when their children go through pain. Yet
we cannot prevent them from their own soul's journey."

"So what can I do to help him?"

"The very best thing you can do is to continue doing your
own inner work, while praying for him. Even though he is 29,
you are still a role model for him. Certainly judging
yourself is not good role modeling. Luc needs to see you
doing all you can to take loving care of yourself. When he
sees you feeling really good about yourself and happy with
your life, he might decide to make some changes. Aside from
becoming a loving role model and praying for him, there is
really nothing you can do about his choices. You need to
accept your helplessness over him instead of trying to have
control over him. Any attempts to control him will likely
result in resistance."

"Yes, he seems to be very resistant to anything I say. This
is part of my frustration and sadness."

"Right. That's why you need to let go of trying to control
him. You need to let go of being invested in the outcome
regarding his choices and just keep on your own journey. The
more you let go of him, the better chance you have of him
making loving choices for himself, especially when he sees
you making loving choices for yourself."

Most parents want to think that they have more control over
their children than they do. We want to think that if we "do
it right" we can control the outcome we want for our
children. It will make it much easier to let go of trying to
control our children and just be the very best parents we
can, when we understand and accept that they are on their
own soul's journey.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: or
email her at Phone
Sessions Available.


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